I love you, my child.

A safety deposit box.

It was in 2014, I had a vision of a sleek, black safety deposit box that was locked and it couldn’t be opened. It was around the time God revealed to me a reason why I had my “gay pride”.

There was no way I could open it; airtight shut.

I asked Abba about it, but I never really gotten an answer–it was quite a mystery.

Fast forward to my second visit to Burning Hearts this year, 2019, we were not-so-randomly praying for one another in the prayer room and I paired up with this lady who saw God pressing the button to this safety deposit box and phhhhhuuuuuu……WHAT CAME NEXT WAS A TRAIN WRECK-

So yea, I never knew I was one who kept secrets; until I found out I did. Buried it and swore to forget, but You want me free more than I did.

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On loving.

I’ve been watching myself become intolerant, not in a good way (which is intolerant towards evil) but intolerant towards weaknesses, which is merely an indicator of a lack of love in my life.

There’s no doubt that I am loved, yet I find that I’ve been resisting that for myself. I’ve been resisting loving myself and I watched how many other parts of my life is gets gravely compromised.

I’m still learning how to love all of me so I can love others as well as I do towards myself.

Recently an old trauma resurfaced and I found out that I had been unable to forgive myself for whatever that had happened when I was younger and I took the blame for the tragedy that had happened in the guise of taking responsibility and ownership for that incident – in this case, holding myself accountable for something that shouldn’t have been anyone’s fault yet I find it so hard to not make it mine.

I also never want to submit to the mindset of blame that is so destructive in nature, and I don’t care if it’s prevalent in society? IMMA BE A THERMOSTAT.

Anyway, I’ll let Him love me out of this, and… I’ll just love myself, everyday. Yes, this self-blame has to stop. I’m not going to resist His love for me.

How To: Process Pain.

 

Too good not to share.

Anyway, I’m noticing very clearly how I’m eating my pain away. I wasn’t hungry, I was just in pain so I ate to push it all down again.

From the beginning, I’ve been as real as I could and I found that it was in undoing as well as in growing.

Together with having a full array of emotions, I’m thankful for the sound mind He has given me as I watched myself ebb and flow through the emotions, as I watched how my soul cries only for Him – I’m only satisfied in Him. I watched how out of my mouth I could sing beautiful songs to Him. As of now, I’m still learning to process and acknowledge pain when I feel it – watching that as it was painful I was also hesitant in coming to Him yet at the same time, wanting to heal asap.

I love that He is patient, He is the Love and when He says He’s near to the brokenhearted, He really is. I found that He has never left me, and all I want is to go so much deeper and I’m willing, so willing. At the same time, You know all of these… misunderstandings I probably have of You but I know that You’re gentle, You’re kind and You love me so much. I don’t want to take You for granted, I want to treasure You, this, so much more.

I want to grow old with You Jesus, and Dad to be so close… just so much closer, Holy Spirit. I used to be so afraid of You, I don’t know – I’m unsure and I know that I don’t have to have it all figured out either. I know I’m learning so much in this mystery of simply more of You, and learning about the vastness of You and everything that I know to constantly keep an opened mind – not to be definitive in just one way of thinking.

Well, the one way is You Jesus… and, I just want… to lay by Your side or on Your shoulder. I just want to be close and real.

Set me free.

Goodbye 2018. Hello 2019.

It’s two days until the new year and there’s a part of me that wants to react to this insane amount of acceleration happening but this other part of me just wants to savour every moment, at this moment. I’m done being stressed.

I’ve learned so much this year, just so much and like so many others, I can only come to this conclusion. I am grateful and what better way to enter a new year than with gratefulness and thankfulness. This entire year has been so much, and I can only gather that it has been so good simply because God is so good. He is so good to me, so, so, so good.

I found grace like never before, I’ve learned to say no even more. I’m thankful for my family and friends. This year my dad came back to church, I started my business, I got a job, I suddenly have a “ministry” in church, I was a part of the publications team in Power & Love School SG and I got to sit right at the front when there were pastors and legends sitting behind and at the sides.

Looking back, none of that could’ve been achieved by my own strength because this year was also the year I was as weak as can be, pressed from all sides – my health, finances, relationships (a little bit, but in the end, I gained some really awesome friends this year and strengthen all the ones I already have), emotional, spiritual, mental… just, all points YET I see how He is SO THERE and SO MUCH GREATER.

Even when I was so weak in faith, He is SO STRONG and SO FAITHFUL.

The whole of 2018 felt like me tryna’ run but I was crawling but like at the same spot while He flies me around.

This year I broke through fears and self-doubt like never before. I didn’t realise this before but He has really made me bold.

I’m really excited for 2019, not in all the ways I used to be excited, but I’m excited in a very different way – yes for the more but also for the depth, the deep quiet strength He is about to teach me about. Meekness. Stillness. Unending joy. Hope. Abundant life and love. For the fullness. For just simply more of Him, more than ever. And yes, rest.

This is the best love story ever.

Infinitely more rewarding to understand than to be right.

It is probably uncomfortable to lay down our pride, yet the desire to win only causes a double-fold losing while choosing to lose, we still end up gaining – we win altogether.

“To understand and be understood, those are among life’s greatest gifts, and every interaction is an opportunity to exchange them.” quoting Maria Popova in her latest Brain Pickings newsletter.

He is a GREAT God.

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I loved that night with my brother for so many reasons beyond the celebratory outlook of an amazing fine dining restaurant at the rooftop of our Airbnb. I loved our talks, I loved what we shared together, what we enjoyed and what we bore. I probably didn’t bear everything he had, and neither did he with mine but I’m glad I get to bear things only you get to bear with a blood brother.

This goes into my book of significant nights where souls ignite (lol) – along with the night we sang old and gold worship songs and caught shooting stars at Henderson Wave, or sang spontaneously about everything at the huge, beautiful moon setting at dawn at the Palawan with strangers who felt like friends, or the first time I kissed the first person I fell head over heels for under the sheets, or when my hands fitted perfectly with the one I had loved that way.

These moments are amazing, yet my moments with God are far more. My moments with God are far more defining and definitive. They’re absolute although they seemed to have made me look like a fool or a crazy person sometimes and yet at the same time, I’ve never been more sound. Those soul-explosive moments may have been amazing but they’re fleeting. In the end, only one thing remains and I’ve found Him.

 

I want to come clean.

I guess I had been riddled with shame ever since my attempt to “conquer grounds” in the spirit had backfired pretty badly. I found myself back in a place I thought was demolished, but there I was! Back again! Yet in and with greater understanding and compassion. (Well… Not quite either.) More accurately, the compassion came only when I found myself back in this place.

Having been in another high place of fair strength and stability, I had forgotten what being in this place felt like and there was when I gained compassion again, as well as understanding, for these people or should I say, my people? Well, I don’t know.

The place I am talking about is actually well, a queer place… I guess.

I guess I’m still kind of in that place, yet, I know that it’s going to be used for good. I cannot hide from Him, I can’t even if I try.

Deep cries out to Deep.

When I was much younger, I’d wake up with a stanza of a song we’d sing in church.
“It’s the depths of Your love, moving in the depths of me.”

It’s been over a decade and I’m only beginning to understand why You sang this over me. When I said, “Yes.” to You, You came and dwelled with me, knowing well that I’d so break Your heart over and over, yet seventy-seven times seven times later You’d still do it. Take that and times seven billion times over because that’s how You love.

After I came back from Israel, I felt like I walked into a pile of mess and I had no idea where to start and under my skin, I was drowning under nothing.

Last night I sat in the stillness of dark, just before falling asleep and I was beginning to become aware of a pain deep inside me–and I questioned why pain exists yet, in the awareness of that, I saw how Your great love reached it, and I remember how my most glorious days were the times where I was in my greatest pain, and never once did You fail me. Never once.

By glorious days, I meant all the times You loved me so fiercely and it has always, always defeated the pain I was facing. It was You who has been, and is still, gently work in the depths of my being, knowing full well on all of my thoughts and decisions, yet faithful transforming me daily and organically, to look more and more like You.

To abide in You, as You abide in me. To remain in Your Love.

We’ve commonly heard the expression, “Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” that typically describes a grumpy start of the day for an individual. Even writing this got me a little cautious as our words carry power.

I’ve recently been confronting–or am fronted by–the very flaws and weakness I have. The little ones that I’ve found a way to hide so well. It was during Kingdom Invasion where I realised I had dropped my call to intercession, in which Holy Spirit personally invited me to join Him in. It’s always the same truth. It’s always been about Him.

So I guess, I’m just taking a step at a time again, every step in consideration of Holy Spirit the dove and my super, cool and awesome best friend. Remember the truth, every day in surrender and following my King Jesus, busking in the love of my Dad who loves me, who loves me, who loves me.

Now, I refuse to believe that there’s such a thing as the wrong side of the bed. And truth be told, THERE ISN’T ONE! Yet every single day, there’s the good side of the bed, where I’m awakened by Holy Spirit, where I can enter His courts with thanksgiving and praises!

His goodness and mercies follow me every single day, His blood covers me because He said, IT IS FINISHED. And it has already been done, the work is done. His laws are written in our hearts, and we’ve been adopted into His family. Every single day, He loves me, He loves us. Every single day, this doesn’t ever change. Full access and full inheritance. Thank You Jesus. So overwhelmed by love.

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