I want to come clean.
I guess I had been riddled with shame ever since my attempt to “conquer grounds” in the spirit had backfired pretty badly. I found myself back in a place I thought was demolished, but there I was! Back again! Yet in and with greater understanding and compassion. (Well… Not quite either.) More accurately, the compassion came only when I found myself back in this place.
Having been in another high place of fair strength and stability, I had forgotten what being in this place felt like and there was when I gained compassion again, as well as understanding, for these people or should I say, my people? Well, I don’t know.
The place I am talking about is actually well, a queer place… I guess.
I guess I’m still kind of in that place, yet, I know that it’s going to be used for good. I cannot hide from Him, I can’t even if I try.
When I was much younger, I’d wake up with a stanza of a song we’d sing in church.
“It’s the depths of Your love, moving in the depths of me.”
It’s been over a decade and I’m only beginning to understand why You sang this over me. When I said, “Yes.” to You, You came and dwelled with me, knowing well that I’d so break Your heart over and over, yet seventy-seven times seven times later You’d still do it. Take that and times seven billion times over because that’s how You love.
After I came back from Israel, I felt like I walked into a pile of mess and I had no idea where to start and under my skin, I was drowning under nothing.
Last night I sat in the stillness of dark, just before falling asleep and I was beginning to become aware of a pain deep inside me–and I questioned why pain exists yet, in the awareness of that, I saw how Your great love reached it, and I remember how my most glorious days were the times where I was in my greatest pain, and never once did You fail me. Never once.
By glorious days, I meant all the times You loved me so fiercely and it has always, always defeated the pain I was facing. It was You who has been, and is still, gently work in the depths of my being, knowing full well on all of my thoughts and decisions, yet faithful transforming me daily and organically, to look more and more like You.
To abide in You, as You abide in me. To remain in Your Love.
We’ve commonly heard the expression, “Woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” that typically describes a grumpy start of the day for an individual. Even writing this got me a little cautious as our words carry power.
I’ve recently been confronting–or am fronted by–the very flaws and weakness I have. The little ones that I’ve found a way to hide so well. It was during Kingdom Invasion where I realised I had dropped my call to intercession, in which Holy Spirit personally invited me to join Him in. It’s always the same truth. It’s always been about Him.
So I guess, I’m just taking a step at a time again, every step in consideration of Holy Spirit the dove and my super, cool and awesome best friend. Remember the truth, every day in surrender and following my King Jesus, busking in the love of my Dad who loves me, who loves me, who loves me.
Now, I refuse to believe that there’s such a thing as the wrong side of the bed. And truth be told, THERE ISN’T ONE! Yet every single day, there’s the good side of the bed, where I’m awakened by Holy Spirit, where I can enter His courts with thanksgiving and praises!
His goodness and mercies follow me every single day, His blood covers me because He said, IT IS FINISHED. And it has already been done, the work is done. His laws are written in our hearts, and we’ve been adopted into His family. Every single day, He loves me, He loves us. Every single day, this doesn’t ever change. Full access and full inheritance. Thank You Jesus. So overwhelmed by love.
Responsibility is defined as:
Sounds…. pretty stressful.
Yet I want to suggest that responsibility is the ability to respond with, to and even through God.
This, though seemingly in it of itself, is actually a branch out of our relationship with God, not simply a character trait. Note that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It is, definitely, most wise when we live our lives accountable to the One who created us and the universe.
This gives for much freedom, as it stems from a dynamic relationship with Him, who knows all things from the beginning to the end, from naming the stars to numbering the hairs on our heads.
He is far bigger than the various spacetime continuum, or the dire situation we might be in and yet, He wants to be with us in and through all of it, from school projects to healing crusades, and talking about various topics. He already knows us, yet He’s still so infinitely interested and in love with us and we only grow to know more about Him, His heart, His ways, His Truth (that’s found in the Word) and with that, looking more and more like Him. Face-to-face, every day. What can separate us from His love? Really. What?
And suddenly, responsibility’s not so… burdensome.
But we can still choose not to accept His love and live independently, taking upon ourselves these rules and expectations, living in stress and slowly turmoil, being completely exposed and probably even bounded to guilt, shame and condemnation and working even harder to hide all of that, stepping over others to try to get on top. Opinions. Judgments. Accusations. Lies.
The tree of the knowledge of good and evil or, the tree of Life–and guess what, the mystery’s revealed, His name is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. The way, the truth and the life. The centrepiece of all of creation.
As I’m reaching December, I realised I’m beginning to understand what it means to be a friend of Holy Spirit. He told me three things earlier this year:
1. To be simple.
2. To listen.
3. To read the Word.
And that’s all that there is to come to know Him, and these instructions are tailored for my life. The whole of this year has been nothing but an adventure, and though it has constantly been about the same thing, all I’m finding is more.
So more Lord, as I sing out to You!
I’ve so much to write – it’s now November and I’m five days in.
If I can summarise everything that has happened, there was fire, there were strong winds, there were quakes but after it all, it’s still, the still, small voice that I’m listening to; or that I long to hear. My Shepherd’s voice, my Lover’s whisper, my King and my Dad’s heart, Holy Spirit’s wisdom and instructions for adventures. To delight in yielding.
Things are getting harder and easier at the same time, not the hard that I was previously used to – so much work, filling up my schedule, hardly having enough sleep or having a debilitating condition but having Holy Spirit reveal my intentions even when outwardly, it looks commendable. The Lord always looks at the heart. Having to deny myself and to obey Him and to find such an ease in it, nothing is what I used to think.
This also included Holy Spirit telling me to stop forcing myself to watch a good sermon and telling me to watch Drop Dead Diva (yes, I know) because He knew what was in my heart and then explaining to me how our need to be or do good spiritual discipline sometimes backfires, or getting me to reject what seems like an important event or place to be in, or getting me to reject donating to certain causes. Everything is constantly new, but yet they are not.
I wondered how philosophers find depth when “deep cries out to deep”.
And it’s like a group of us has been plunged into hyperspace and witness what usually happens over a course of three years happen in three hours. I am utterly convinced of His power and His love for me, for us. As written in John, as written as He is the Word at the beginning.
Such series of events can only be orchestrated by God Himself, raining down perfectly cut jewels, having angelic beings captured on camera, divine upon divine relationships, healing, deliverance, mentorship, steadfast discipline, freedom.
I never want to stop being hungry, I never want to forget of His precepts that I’ve hidden in my heart and placed it in Him for safe-keeping. I never want to stop being at a place of surrender and while learning to be royalty, to take care of myself, to love myself just as He has loved me. To simply remain in His love, until I am so at ease with who I am in Him and simply watch the enemies scatter. To be present in His presence. To not even try but am utterly convinced I look just like Him, and even can only grow more each day because of His amazing power.
I’m learning to not discipline myself in self-hatred and condemnation and instead, replacing everything with the Truth and only the Truth.
I should try that tomorrow, be still in His presence. No more hiding.
He doesn’t love us in pieces. He doesn’t give His heart in pieces.
He is there in every intricate area of your life. He is not just there when everything is fine, He is even more so, there when everything is not fine. He draws close to the brokenhearted. He is even more so there when your mum left you, when your dad did you wrong. He is there when you were being hurt in the most terrible ways ever could have been done to you and He was there and He felt it like you did. He is there with you through it all, even when in your pain you thought He wasn’t.
He is not a God who loves only on the good days, He is a God who loves more fiercely than ever on the days where the pain is unbearable and when you feel like you’d rather die.
He is not a selfish God. He is not an insecure God desperate for you to love Him back. He is a God who wages war against the darkness, who fights for you when you thought of Him as your enemy. He is Love, and in Him, there’s perfect peace, a place where you’re finally safe and held, a place where He paid the greatest price no man can offer when you felt no worth, a place where joy is no longer dependent on merely a good time, here today and gone tomorrow, but unquenchable joy. No more heaviness, no more pain.
He has loved us with an everlasting love, nothing can compare, none can separate.
Life has been accelerating; as if time has been expanding and contracting simultaneously like it’s in labour for a revival that is due.
It feels as if I’ve been carried through by Him through my days, sailing.
A lot of things that were happening couldn’t make sense and to catalogue everything that has been happening wouldn’t really be doing these stories any justice. There are so many parts of life linking to other parts of life, I don’t really know how to write it.
So to pick up from where I left off, I am just thankful that my birthday present last year is both a seed and a matryoshka doll. My story doesn’t end, and neither does yours as long as you’re still breathing.
As of now, I’m as alive as ever. Truly living and witnessing.