Run Daughter, Run

I’ve so much to write – it’s now November and I’m five days in.

If I can summarise everything that has happened, there was fire, there were strong winds, there were quakes but after it all, it’s still, the still, small voice that I’m listening to; or that I long to hear. My Shepherd’s voice, my Lover’s whisper, my King and my Dad’s heart, Holy Spirit’s wisdom and instructions for adventures. To delight in yielding.

Things are getting harder and easier at the same time, not the hard that I was previously used to – so much work, filling up my schedule, hardly having enough sleep or having a debilitating condition but having Holy Spirit reveal my intentions even when outwardly, it looks commendable. The Lord always looks at the heart. Having to deny myself and to obey Him and to find such an ease in it, nothing is what I used to think.

This also included Holy Spirit telling me to stop forcing myself to watch a good sermon and telling me to watch Drop Dead Diva (yes, I know) because He knew what was in my heart and then explaining to me how our need to be or do good spiritual discipline sometimes backfires, or getting me to reject what seems like an important event or place to be in, or getting me to reject donating to certain causes. Everything is constantly new, but yet they are not.

I wondered how philosophers find depth when “deep cries out to deep”.

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Over half a year.

Has passed.

And it’s like a group of us has been plunged into hyperspace and witness what usually happens over a course of three years happen in three hours. I am utterly convinced of His power and His love for me, for us. As written in John, as written as He is the Word at the beginning.

Such series of events can only be orchestrated by God Himself, raining down perfectly cut jewels, having angelic beings captured on camera, divine upon divine relationships, healing, deliverance, mentorship, steadfast discipline, freedom.

I never want to stop being hungry, I never want to forget of His precepts that I’ve hidden in my heart and placed it in Him for safe-keeping. I never want to stop being at a place of surrender and while learning to be royalty, to take care of myself, to love myself just as He has loved me. To simply remain in His love, until I am so at ease with who I am in Him and simply watch the enemies scatter. To be present in His presence. To not even try but am utterly convinced I look just like Him, and even can only grow more each day because of His amazing power.

Steadfast. Freedom.

I’m learning to not discipline myself in self-hatred and condemnation and instead, replacing everything with the Truth and only the Truth.

I should try that tomorrow, be still in His presence. No more hiding.
#ComeOutComeHome

Pieces

He doesn’t love us in pieces. He doesn’t give His heart in pieces.

He is there in every intricate area of your life. He is not just there when everything is fine, He is even more so, there when everything is not fine. He draws close to the brokenhearted. He is even more so there when your mum left you, when your dad did you wrong. He is there when you were being hurt in the most terrible ways ever could have been done to you and He was there and He felt it like you did. He is there with you through it all, even when in your pain you thought He wasn’t.

He is not a God who loves only on the good days, He is a God who loves more fiercely than ever on the days where the pain is unbearable and when you feel like you’d rather die.

He is not a selfish God. He is not an insecure God desperate for you to love Him back. He is a God who wages war against the darkness, who fights for you when you thought of Him as your enemy. He is Love, and in Him, there’s perfect peace, a place where you’re finally safe and held, a place where He paid the greatest price no man can offer when you felt no worth, a place where joy is no longer dependent on merely a good time, here today and gone tomorrow, but unquenchable joy. No more heaviness, no more pain.

He has loved us with an everlasting love, nothing can compare, none can separate.

Life has been accelerating; as if time has been expanding and contracting simultaneously like it’s in labour for a revival that is due.

It feels as if I’ve been carried through by Him through my days, sailing.

A lot of things that were happening couldn’t make sense and to catalogue everything that has been happening wouldn’t really be doing these stories any justice. There are so many parts of life linking to other parts of life, I don’t really know how to write it.

So to pick up from where I left off, I am just thankful that my birthday present last year is both a seed and a matryoshka doll. My story doesn’t end, and neither does yours as long as you’re still breathing.

As of now, I’m as alive as ever. Truly living and witnessing.

The Singaporean Bride

This has been in my heart for so long,
and I feel like right at this moment I am conceiving something
my mind is unable to comprehend-
so I’ll let myself be undone,
surrender it all to You over and over,
wave after wave.

Your love crashes over me.
Wave after wave, You set us free.
Wave after wave, You’d carry us forward.

It is You that I want,
It is You that I long for.

All I want is nothing more,
Than to worship you here at Your door.

Let us all begin to sing,
Let us all begin to rise.

For You’re coming,
You’re coming for us.

You’ll pour Your Spirit out on all flesh,
Your young men shall prophesy,
Your old men shall dream dreams.

You will reign,
And Your Kingdom knows no end.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

From the Future.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV)

Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered. (Psalm 40:5)

 

I know that God has a great future for me, He is a good, good Father and I am just so blessed, blessed beyond measure to have met Jesus Christ, to have Him call me out of darkness, to simply know Him and I desire to know Him more.

Just moments ago I watch a short clip on the imagination of hope (that you can see above) and I was just inspired to write, to write from my future.

 

Oh dear, young Zoe,

I know what you’re going through now seems overwhelming almost all the time but trust me, and trust God, it is going to be worth it. Daddy God doesn’t waste a single hurt, and I know it seems as if everything is at a halt and you feel like you’re stuck but you will get out of this, you will rise victorious. There are so many things that you are gaining now that I am so thankful that you’ve persevered and trusted in Daddy’s Word, oh I can tell you from here that Daddy God is a good and faithful God, and you’ll only find yourself in situations where His goodness, His nature comes to overwhelm you instead. 

I also know that right now, you are probably distressed over the people around you but you’ll soon find that in the end, His Word still stands, it is seeking Him first, loving Him with all of your heart, your mind, your soul and your strength.

Surely you’d want a glimpse of the future right? So right now, Zoe, five years from now, your skin is completely healed and cleared, in fact, your health is better than ever! Daddy God is so good, He is incredibly good. Are there still struggles, well, I would say that they are more like challenges right now and they will come but you are so much more equipped now to deal with them. I know that things are hard right now, but cling onto Him, who He is, His nature. He is good, isn’t He? He will reveal more things to you in the days to come but right now Zoe, I want you to keep so close to Him, don’t regret the things you didn’t do, there is no point. Your entire life belongs to Him, nothing you do can ever outdo Him. Why? Don’t you realise how big our Daddy is? 

I know you want to save the world and probably right now, you’re learning to let that go, that you have no power to save. You’ll come to a place of utter rest and surrender, remember you walk and relationship with God is uniquely differently from everyone else, and you have no rival. The things that God has placed in your heart, it is only for you to carry. Daddy loves you as you are you, Zoe, He calls you beautiful, He calls you light, He calls you His beloved, and yes you are! He loves you beyond measure, beyond what you think is love right now. Now, don’t punish yourself. The fear of God is not the religious kind of fear, but a fear out of your love for Him?

Oh Zoe, the things you struggle with now will only serve to tell a better story. He is the author, and He is good isn’t He? Remember that, His mercy, His love. Fix your eyes on Him, behold Him. You are good, because He is good and He even calls you, very good. Oh Zoe, you can never run from His love for you. I remember you’ll say that to others, now, say that to yourself everyday. So much of what is happening right now, oh, you’ve no idea how it’ll all turn for good. Zoe, never forget His goodness. Never ever forget that.

Everyday when you wake up, guilt tries to attack you on all the things you are not doing right, just believe in the truth instead and the truth is, you are His daughter and nothing can change that. You are already redeemed. Don’t punish yourself into discipline, live out of Him. Your walk with Him is unique. Keep your good friends close and invest in their lives. Be allergic to guilt, shame, condemnation and regret, be allergic to that Zoe. You are so loved, so loved. 

Oh remember, don’t even focus on the enemy. Recognise his ploys but don’t even bother, you’ve already been given authority. In fact Zoe, I want you to live in response to the future. Eat healthily everyday, as much as you can. Continue to exercise but don’t push yourself like you did when you were much younger, I want to you see yourself as how He has told you that you are! If you forget, read this because future you is thanking you! Remember to not punish yourself, why? Because that is not love Zoe, God taught you to love yourself, treat yourself well. He wants you to treat yourself like you are worth it. 

In the makings of a great woman Zoe. Your children are amazing, you can look forward to that though yes, a little mess but oh the beauty. Daddy God is in-charge. Look forward Zoe. All His promises are a Yes in Jesus and an Amen in you. Hugs from the future, and yes, you are gorgeous! 

You,
2021

Into 2017.

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We have fought and we have won, for the battle is the Lord’s and He has shown Himself strong for those who sought Him in peril. He has won the fight for us and we, His beloved and ones who love Him, have risen and will continually rise in His victory.

2017 feels like a year of new beginnings, an entering into the promised land, and rebuilding with new materials. Yet another year of victory.

Once again, 2017, this year is going to be my BEST year yet! Thank You God, come and fall afresh on us Holy Spirit. Thank You Jesus, for winning for us. Thank You Daddy, for Your unfailing love, unending grace and mercy; Your faithfulness.

This is the year I will draw so much deeper into His heart, into who He is. Yielding to You every step of the way. All these things scare me, but You had never failed, and You never will. Lord, teach me how to fight. Thank You Jesus, and let me never forget, in the midst of it all, of Your goodness and Your great love, my Daddy God.

How I Learned to Manage my Hero-Complex.

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I believe I’m not the only one with the deep longing to save the world, to change the world, to do good, to help, to save, to be a part of something bigger. Greatness lies within each and every one of us.

However, for some of us, our altruistic nature can cause us a heck load of trouble.

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For so long, I’ve been driven to be a heroine on a mission, feeling for everyone around me, picking up the pain of the people around me, pain, pain, pain, so much pain and sufferings in the world. To a point, there are so many times I hope to die, which is, exactly what true Christians are called to do. (Luke 9:23) and so I’m learning to choose Jesus every day. My decision is Jesus.

This year I learned, that I alone cannot save the world, that I alone cannot save anyone. My blood cannot redeem anyone. Only the blood of Jesus can redeem. Jesus is the Messiah, not me. It is amongst the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn, choosing between what seems like the right thing to do and simply yielding to Him.

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Of course, I don’t mean sit back and do nothing. In fact, I am all for being out there doing something, embracing risks and making a difference everywhere we go. But this year, I learning how to obedient, and I’ve learned that it is better than sacrifice.

This year, I learned the simplest thing again, to love God with all of my heart, mind and soul and to love people as I love myself. I am still learning that I’m unable to love others when I don’t love myself, or more accurately, when I don’t know/forgot that I am so greatly loved by the Almighty God.

A few months back, God led me to John 15 as I was reading the biography of Rees Howell, and the Word spoke about abiding in Him, remaining in His love. It wasn’t long before the Word had to be done, this is probably one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned as a 23 years old young woman.

Earlier this year, God dropped a little fire in me about preaching the gospel to His daughters at Orchard Towers and I responded in my personal time with Him but I was too afraid to take any action. Everything was brewing in my heart. Long story short, just a few weeks ago, I met a friend, Vera, who appeared in my dream whom I haven’t met for six years and we spontaneously went for an outreach at OT. It was incredible, God’s heart has never changed. I was so honoured to have been graced to do this that I became exceedingly overwhelmed to a point I became emotionally unstable at God’s glory and the immensity of this task.

It was then that my lesson came in a mini full circle when I told my cell group leader I needed to know how to manage this because I didn’t want to end up exploding and he simply replied, “You’re already exploding.”. That was when I snapped out of the fire, of the wind, and just, be still. I began to simply remain in His love for me and instantly I was revived. Later that day I found that I’ve been able to accomplish more in my rest in Him than in all of my fiery passion to “save people”. In this, I’ve learned that if it is not first and foremost, about Jesus, good and important things like witnessing to people, bringing people to church, or running our God-given dreams will become an agenda or goal instead and it won’t be long before a burn-out. People become projects, relationships are compromised, people get hurt and we can’t always play hero.

God’s instructions had/has always been clear and simple, resonating in every area of our lives. I realise it is us, that tends to complicate things but we learn, we grow to know Him more and as we know Him more, we trust Him more, and yes, I was about to write things get easier but I don’t think so. There is always more lands to conquer, but we get stronger and more victorious. We get to live the dream, His dream for us. He has already written our lives out before we even existed, and the life that He has written for us is far greater than what we can ever achieve for ourselves.

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In conclusion, the answer to how to manage hero-complex is still what I’ve been learning, to seek His kingdom and righteousness first. Jesus only did what He saw His Father do, He was fully surrendered and in obedience to Holy Spirit, He even said that apart from Him, He could do nothing, what more me.

This was why I loved Star Wars: Rogue One, they were one with the force and the force was with them. I saw the force as Holy Spirit, without Holy Spirit, there is no point or rather, a hopeless fight. The other reason why would be a spoiler but basically, they weren’t in it for a personal heroic quest but the greater good, there was no glory for them, they forsake all concept of self and I loved it. My heart resonated especially with what Galen did. It is always about/for His Kingdom.

Only one thing is needed, Mary (I want to be Mary) chose it. (Luke 10:42)

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How we wanted to hold each other raged within; when we couldn’t hold it back anymore we started an arson in the little place we had barely even built.

Yet we weren’t burned. In the fire, You were there with us. What would’ve been viewed as a destructive fire, pivoted its course and burned the deep infestations that was in the sewers of our souls.

We sat in the ruins of our passion; cast within a figment of hollow hearts and lost lives.

But the hands of the Master Builder found us in ashes; covered us in His blood-washed romance. The Giver of Life, calls us His.

 

#psalms 51:17

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