by Zoe A. Choo
Wholesome, random thoughts on any aspect of life sparks from within an average bath time – so I was thinking about my friends while washing up and I knew how some of my friends really loved me. Right there and then, I had an epiphany.
I used to be obsessed with people liking me; it was like a huge chain I never knew was attached on me. Every time I meet someone knew, a new chain of presumed expectation weighs upon me, and I get instantly compelled to get them to like me. At times, I’d appear indifferent or nonchalant, not because I was, but because the weight I’d experience when I meet someone new. Regardless of the rebel nature, I never knew that deep down, I was actually an approval addict.
It didn’t come as clear to me until now, with this EPIC, ECZEMA, EPISODE! – where most of the battles are fought between my ears. I had an overwhelming self-consciousnesses and stress having to face people with this current unacceptable appearance, I can’t talk to my brother normally because I feel like I embarrass him with my disease and I can’t work because 30% – my skin is highly irritating, 30% – too many people meant too much weight, 40% – and that weight doubles on the fact I want to be the best worker ever but I was crippled in every aspect.
But I am only getting better.
I’ve come to terms that this is not my fault, in fact without this, I wouldn’t have realised how much of an appeaser I am. Well, we all learn more in a mile in pain than in a thousands miles in joy. Eczema is an incredibly humbling experience for a vain pot like me. I never understood self-love, or love, until now (demented timeline). I guess everything had a price (conditional) until it’s broken.
Just thinking about God’s love, and my family’s love, and my friends’ – I am already more than thankful. I already have more than enough. I am so blessed.