Am I sure of what I want to be?

by Zoe A. Choo

No, honestly, not so much.

While growing up, I wanted to be a lot of things, I wanted to be an actress, a movie director, a murderer, a salesperson, a YouTuber, an Anonymous hacker and thereafter I wanted to open my own cafe; I also wanted to be a speaker – and for this I am rather fixated on.

Yet I’ve been fixated on many ambitions, but this, this seems more like a life’s dream – like what I want to do before I die. I want to be God’s spokeswoman, to not just speak up for the ones whose cries are unheard, I want to speak as He speaks – with love, fire, wisdom, healing and convictions.

I think I had been very good at speaking, when my core ambition was to be an actress – because pretending was my favourite childhood game and because pretending was all I did.

Yet now, I know to be such a speaker, I can’t be one who is just a copy of every impressive knowledge, a facade of flamboyant gestures and a marathon of smiles. I am now un-learning all that I knew, and learning life, at its core; the simplicity.

No more masquerade, just raw, me. Not a student, not a clubber – but a daughter of the Most High, a bond-servant, a priest, a queen.