Run Daughter, Run

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How we wanted to hold each other raged within; when we couldn’t hold it back anymore we started an arson in the little place we had barely even built.

Yet we weren’t burned. In the fire, You were there with us. What would’ve been viewed as a destructive fire, pivoted its course and burned the deep infestations that was in the sewers of our souls.

We sat in the ruins of our passion; cast within a figment of hollow hearts and lost lives.

But the hands of the Master Builder found us in ashes; covered us in His blood-washed romance. The Giver of Life, calls us His.

 

#psalms 51:17

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God’s Idea of a Birthday Present.

For so long I was convinced that I was a pure lesbian, that I’d always end up having this root of being utterly attracted to girls.

From my previous relationship and through the whole of the past three years was nothing short of breathtaking for my soul; beauty from ashes, joy from mourning, praise from heaviness. All for His glory. My soul has been redeemed, over and over. Topical steroid withdrawal has got to be the hardest ordeal to walk through, and yet, one of the most fruitful. God was and is there through every littlest storm in my soul, He fought for me constantly while allowing me to grow and heal.

God brought me through so much, so much that was going on internally, broke so many strongholds, led me and is still leading me into freedom, to look more and more like Him.

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He doesn’t stop somewhere, keeps quiet and hides from us. He is never ashamed of us, works with the most perfectly beautiful blend of introversion and extraversion, quietly behind the scenes, powerfully in the sight of all the world. He doesn’t stop halfway; as the most masterfully skilled artist of the universe, He continues to work intricately in my body, soul, and spirit; continually creating me as uniquely me, allowing me to blossom while growing strong. He is the most incredible being, the most incredible Father, the most important person and words can’t be enough, words never seem to be enough for the magnitude of Him; His goodness spilling out from all of Him. His nature is good; the absolute idea of good. He is love, we don’t know love until we know Him. It has been such a pleasure, and will forever be.

Looking at all this, looking at what He has done, looking at how beautiful He is I can’t help but give all of me to Him and let Him show me what He can with all of the broken pieces of my life, all the ugly bits He took it and didn’t stop there, He makes all of me beautiful, over and over, more and more.

He doesn’t stop there, even as this year’s birthday came in a messy wrapper, little did I know it was part of the design, God’s incredible design where His second most amazing gift came unfolding into a person He has prepared me for. A Man.

(to be continued)

This is hauntingly beautiful.

I think sometimes when we think we’re utterly alone,
we are infinitely not.

I’m not alone.
I’m not crazy.
I’m not weird.

(As much as I fit in that, category.)

I’m probably just, very me.
Fearfully, and wonderfully made.

Two steps forward. One step back.

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I’ve been extremely depressed lately, but at this emotional low, I’m learning something precious. There’s always something to take away because God is good, no matter what happens, God is still good and nothing bad happens without something good coming out of it.

He made us out of dirt, breathed in us and calls us very good, He calls us beautiful, and He loves us so much that He’ll send His Son, and Himself, to die for all the terrible mess we made; paid our debts and utterly saved us from death and destruction. He really did that.

Two steps forward, one step back. That was what Elfin said about my growth, which is also what my doctors says about my TSW healing journey.

So here’s to me, unlearning and learning again. I know, but I need to understand. I need to understand what it really means to have a relationship with God.

I guess it isn’t always a spiritual high, or 100% positivity, but experiencing every sort of emotion with God in mind. I guess it isn’t a 100% positivity, but a 100% surrender. That, probably, is rest.

I need to know You more, and, thank You for holding onto me, always.
I love You, God.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi


Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011), an amazing and inspiring documentary that got me thinking, re-evaluating on my own life again.

Just thinking about my life, I’ve already spotted some lies in my mind. Namely, wearing my sickness on as a robe but the truth is that, it is but a sickness that’ll pass away in due time. It might be an annoying hindrance but it’s definitely not a lord over my life. I’m reminding myself.

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Jiro’s silhouette of utter passion and perfectionism toward sushi unveiled how I’ve been extremely half-hearted and lukewarm, procrastinating, and dancing with lies and negativity. Well, I was still functioning, but that’s not enough.

I’m still learning to find a balance between utter dissatisfaction and complete acceptance, I tend to forget who I am in Him. There so much more to learn. More about dying to myself, more about love, more about what God’s doing.

Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. – Luke 9:23 (NKJV) 

Recently God showed me Luke 9:23, and so I’ve been learning about it, devouring it. Just thinking about what’s going on although ironically I really don’t know what’s going on, makes me a little excited again; remembering how life with God is an adventure.

I’m far from where I should be, but like Jiro when he was nine and had no home to return to, he had no choice but to move forward and press on if he needed to survive. Before he found passion in making sushi – before it even became his craft, that ordeal of being thrown into the cold, harsh world at such a tender age molded a character attribute that not only spearheaded Jiro’s dreams of sushi but maintained it. I’m encouraged that God has good plans for me, a hope and a future. After all, trials are always designed to make us stronger.

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Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
– Leonardo da Vinci

Jiro also mastered minimalism, as Leonardo da Vinci said it perfectly although it’s a little out of context, but it still applies.

So, I thought about just needing to do one thing. Just one thing. The most important thing, as of now and probably till my time on Earth is up.

Surrender.

And I just realised how Luke 9:23 is so apt right at this moment as I’m writing. So I’d deny myself, pick up my cross daily, and follow Him. Give this one life in exchange for His. One focus, the upward call. One vision, the bride. One day at a time. One person to love on.

So, is one going to make a difference? You’ll decide.

I also really want to have me some omakase sushi. 

Rest

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Lately, God has been teaching me about rest. On how rest is actually a weapon, how important rest is.

Come to think of it, rest isn’t something God has been teaching me lately, it’s been ongoing, and the rest that God provides, the kind that cannot be replaced with a million hours of sleep or mindless sit-coms.

What if trust without borders meant utter, complete rest in the knowledge of His goodness and His love? Just, flowing alongside with Him, above the waves, above the storms. This is, the reality of His love, His goodness, His grace and His mercy.

Resting in His love. I’m still learning that. His goodness, and this journey has been amazing.

It’s been an adventurous couple of days, my life literally enhanced after my experience with Kingdom Invasion.

Bottom line, I am so hungry for a revival.

Nothing in my life really matters, nothing really. Nothing, until it’s placed in my Daddy’s hands.

How I celebrated the New Year.

It was magical, not like the kind where we share a kiss on midnight with the one we’re madly in love with- but the kind where you feel a new adventure unfolding in your bone marrow.

Approaching the final hours of 31 December 2015, I was in the company of the best group of people in my life (other than my family), it is my royal family aka my cell group. We were having some time with God in the midst of our celebration and during that, I could almost hear Him whisper, “It is finished.”

I knew for a fact at that moment I wanted to turn to my sister to hug her as if the war we were fighting in was finally over, and that we could finally return to our homes. I opened my eyes and before I could, she grasped her arms around me. We were both in waterfalls, and at that moment, I knew we both understood the same reality. I wanted to reassure her but I was crying too badly to mouth a single word. We quickly straighten ourselves out because it was getting embarrassing as we were the only ones crying, and that terribly.

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It also just occurred to me that at the end of 2014, God showed me the word “Fruition” for 2015, and to end 2015 with God whispering “It’s over.” was such a nice touch.

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Some of us then went on for the fellowship after fellowship, which is also where another round of magic happens. Where we were all too tired to bother about small talks and where the heart is just vulnerable to whatever sort of comfort we would find in each other, with the presence of God watching us, comforting us.

Despite my skin condition, I found it comforting to my soul that I got to spend my first few hours having dim-sum with a great company, laughing over inside jokes, epic sarcasm and a few dash of cold ones with the all-nighters I know and love, this time with the new faces that tagged along. It felt as if the old group of FAFF (fellowship after fellowship fellowshippers) promoted. Yet we were still provided with the same comfort.

Missing our last ride home as not financially wealthy youths, we played peekaboo with the rain and shelters as we embarked on a journey to find the nearest, comfortable shelter aka luxurious hotel lobbies, for a rest stop and talked till the first transport starts again.

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I am so expectant for what God’s about to bring, and after all, our best days are only ahead of us. Thank You Jesus.

2016. The Year of Victories.

As the year is coming to a close, I can’t help but thank God again for yet another year of adventure. We can agree that 2015 was a Part II of 2014; an upgraded version of better breaking and greater growth, finding stability in the midst of ups and downs.

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In 2016, I pray that it’ll finally be the year where we’d enjoy the scenery at the pinnacle of the mountains we’ve struggled to surmount, where we finally sail through the seemingly relentless storms, where we finally come forth as gold. I’m not saying that this is it, because in life there’s always going to be greater mountains to climb and random storms disturbing the the serene seas. Yet all in all, I pray, let the revelation of Christ remain so deeply ingrafted in us, that we may overcome all obstacles with the same tenacity Christ has demonstrated. (WHICH IS SO CRAZY)

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I just know that 2016 is going to be so different, and yet again, so amazing. For the first time, I really don’t know what I’m in for, and yet, I am so excited for what’s ahead. I just know and I know, that amazing adventures, signs and wonders awaits. I know that greater things are yet to come, and, I too, can’t wait for the Church to arise, His children to know who they are here on Earth, the immense power we yield by simply believing.

I thought about what to prep for 2016, and I’ve got nothing. I’ve moved from having a “New Year’s Resolution” to simply, “Life’s Purpose”. Upon knowing I am His daughter, that is more than prep. It is like, everything.

It is everything, and everything starts from here. It starts from know who we are, that in the midst of this infinite universe, we are a sort of miracle made to be loved by God and thereafter, what we are meant with this short period of time we have in our mortal bodies.

Aye 2016, I’m ready for you. (Refraining from saying “Come what may.” because 2015 was mad house.) Still, 2016, you’re going to be beautiful like me. Not even being proud.

In fact 2016, I’m going to have a deeper understanding of Christ, of being a Daughter, of His Kingdom and Righteousness, of the Beattitudes, of His Love and Mercy, His Grace and the Peace that surpasses all understandings. 2016, the year of victories.

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Thank You Jesus. Thank You Daddy. Thank You Holy Spirit. :’)

Merry Christmas

2015, as everyone had mentioned, is amongst one of the most eventful times of the year. I do realise how often I say that, my life has been a series of crazy events, yet all in all- it is beautiful; almost like a mess in an order. Wow, to think that I’ve such an amazing Father.

I thought through about 2015 as if it flew past me, so much had happened and for the first time, I actually thought to myself, on how much I’ve actually grown this year. It had been a year where so many of my imprisoning mindset had been broken, where I begin to actually realise my value as a woman with feminine strength, the power to nurture, to heal, to edify, and not just a feminist with anger issue. I learn that as woman, we are to embrace who we are- that our strength comes from exactly doing the things man cannot do, not doing the things they can. I’ve also learned that ego plays no part in growth, and in fact, ego is the very hindrance for growth and fulfilment.

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This year, I learned to let go of so many deeply rooted issues. I learned that when they came up, I’d be faced with two options to deal with them, to psychologically make sense of whatever that has happened for the reason for my current being- or I could let it flow, and give a hard memory to God. A lot of times, it isn’t simply letting go of things, it is mostly letting go of ourselves, a self that no longer serves its purpose, an old nature that reeks only of death. This means forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we’ve once gotten ourselves into, and forgiving the people who had once abused us.

I learned how over the years, my value had been dependent of the people around me, but that is not true, our incredibly high, precious value – that Jesus, the King of kings, would totally like fast from heaven and lay His life completely, unreservedly down to save us value – has always been there, until we realised that, that all we were created to be loved by God and we can be His children just by accepting that Jesus died for us. TheGospel iss really so simple. He loves us, and in fact, HE IS LOVE. Until we realise the reality of the Truth, Jesus, our value tends would be determined by the things we do, puffed with pride when what we have can be envied, or degraded when we don’t meet the “standards” – that is ever-changing. Right, I’m beginning to preach too much.

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Still, this year has been amazing. Nothing short of it. The friends I’ve made, the healing that took place from and after a “failed” relationship, and this year, instead of saying lessons learnt- as if life was an entire punishment, I’d say values gained.

Soli Deo Gloria. :’)

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