Run Daughter, Run

Into 2017.

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We have fought and we have won, for the battle is the Lord’s and He has shown Himself strong for those who sought Him in peril. He has won the fight for us and we, His beloved and ones who love Him, have risen and will continually rise in His victory.

2017 feels like a year of new beginnings, an entering into the promised land, and rebuilding with new materials. Yet another year of victory.

Once again, 2017, this year is going to be my BEST year yet! Thank You God, come and fall afresh on us Holy Spirit. Thank You Jesus, for winning for us. Thank You Daddy, for Your unfailing love, unending grace and mercy; Your faithfulness.

This is the year I will draw so much deeper into His heart, into who He is. Yielding to You every step of the way. All these things scare me, but You had never failed, and You never will. Lord, teach me how to fight. Thank You Jesus, and let me never forget, in the midst of it all, of Your goodness and Your great love, my Daddy God.

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How I Learned to Manage my Hero-Complex.

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I believe I’m not the only one with the deep longing to save the world, to change the world, to do good, to help, to save, to be a part of something bigger. Greatness lies within each and every one of us.

However, for some of us, our altruistic nature can cause us a heck load of trouble.

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For so long, I’ve been driven to be a heroine on a mission, feeling for everyone around me, picking up the pain of the people around me, pain, pain, pain, so much pain and sufferings in the world. To a point, there are so many times I hope to die, which is, exactly what true Christians are called to do. (Luke 9:23) and so I’m learning to choose Jesus every day. My decision is Jesus.

This year I learned, that I alone cannot save the world, that I alone cannot save anyone. My blood cannot redeem anyone. Only the blood of Jesus can redeem. Jesus is the Messiah, not me. It is amongst the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn, choosing between what seems like the right thing to do and simply yielding to Him.

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Of course, I don’t mean sit back and do nothing. In fact, I am all for being out there doing something, embracing risks and making a difference everywhere we go. But this year, I learning how to obedient, and I’ve learned that it is better than sacrifice.

This year, I learned the simplest thing again, to love God with all of my heart, mind and soul and to love people as I love myself. I am still learning that I’m unable to love others when I don’t love myself, or more accurately, when I don’t know/forgot that I am so greatly loved by the Almighty God.

A few months back, God led me to John 15 as I was reading the biography of Rees Howell, and the Word spoke about abiding in Him, remaining in His love. It wasn’t long before the Word had to be done, this is probably one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned as a 23 years old young woman.

Earlier this year, God dropped a little fire in me about preaching the gospel to His daughters at Orchard Towers and I responded in my personal time with Him but I was too afraid to take any action. Everything was brewing in my heart. Long story short, just a few weeks ago, I met a friend, Vera, who appeared in my dream whom I haven’t met for six years and we spontaneously went for an outreach at OT. It was incredible, God’s heart has never changed. I was so honoured to have been graced to do this that I became exceedingly overwhelmed to a point I became emotionally unstable at God’s glory and the immensity of this task.

It was then that my lesson came in a mini full circle when I told my cell group leader I needed to know how to manage this because I didn’t want to end up exploding and he simply replied, “You’re already exploding.”. That was when I snapped out of the fire, of the wind, and just, be still. I began to simply remain in His love for me and instantly I was revived. Later that day I found that I’ve been able to accomplish more in my rest in Him than in all of my fiery passion to “save people”. In this, I’ve learned that if it is not first and foremost, about Jesus, good and important things like witnessing to people, bringing people to church, or running our God-given dreams will become an agenda or goal instead and it won’t be long before a burn-out. People become projects, relationships are compromised, people get hurt and we can’t always play hero.

God’s instructions had/has always been clear and simple, resonating in every area of our lives. I realise it is us, that tends to complicate things but we learn, we grow to know Him more and as we know Him more, we trust Him more, and yes, I was about to write things get easier but I don’t think so. There is always more lands to conquer, but we get stronger and more victorious. We get to live the dream, His dream for us. He has already written our lives out before we even existed, and the life that He has written for us is far greater than what we can ever achieve for ourselves.

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In conclusion, the answer to how to manage hero-complex is still what I’ve been learning, to seek His kingdom and righteousness first. Jesus only did what He saw His Father do, He was fully surrendered and in obedience to Holy Spirit, He even said that apart from Him, He could do nothing, what more me.

This was why I loved Star Wars: Rogue One, they were one with the force and the force was with them. I saw the force as Holy Spirit, without Holy Spirit, there is no point or rather, a hopeless fight. The other reason why would be a spoiler but basically, they weren’t in it for a personal heroic quest but the greater good, there was no glory for them, they forsake all concept of self and I loved it. My heart resonated especially with what Galen did. It is always about/for His Kingdom.

Only one thing is needed, Mary (I want to be Mary) chose it. (Luke 10:42)

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How we wanted to hold each other raged within; when we couldn’t hold it back anymore we started an arson in the little place we had barely even built.

Yet we weren’t burned. In the fire, You were there with us. What would’ve been viewed as a destructive fire, pivoted its course and burned the deep infestations that was in the sewers of our souls.

We sat in the ruins of our passion; cast within a figment of hollow hearts and lost lives.

But the hands of the Master Builder found us in ashes; covered us in His blood-washed romance. The Giver of Life, calls us His.

 

#psalms 51:17

God’s Idea of a Birthday Present.

For so long I was convinced that I was a pure lesbian, that I’d always end up having this root of being utterly attracted to girls.

From my previous relationship and through the whole of the past three years was nothing short of breathtaking for my soul; beauty from ashes, joy from mourning, praise from heaviness. All for His glory. My soul has been redeemed, over and over. Topical steroid withdrawal has got to be the hardest ordeal to walk through, and yet, one of the most fruitful. God was and is there through every littlest storm in my soul, He fought for me constantly while allowing me to grow and heal.

God brought me through so much, so much that was going on internally, broke so many strongholds, led me and is still leading me into freedom, to look more and more like Him.

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He doesn’t stop somewhere, keeps quiet and hides from us. He is never ashamed of us, works with the most perfectly beautiful blend of introversion and extraversion, quietly behind the scenes, powerfully in the sight of all the world. He doesn’t stop halfway; as the most masterfully skilled artist of the universe, He continues to work intricately in my body, soul, and spirit; continually creating me as uniquely me, allowing me to blossom while growing strong. He is the most incredible being, the most incredible Father, the most important person and words can’t be enough, words never seem to be enough for the magnitude of Him; His goodness spilling out from all of Him. His nature is good; the absolute idea of good. He is love, we don’t know love until we know Him. It has been such a pleasure, and will forever be.

Looking at all this, looking at what He has done, looking at how beautiful He is I can’t help but give all of me to Him and let Him show me what He can with all of the broken pieces of my life, all the ugly bits He took it and didn’t stop there, He makes all of me beautiful, over and over, more and more.

He doesn’t stop there, even as this year’s birthday came in a messy wrapper, little did I know it was part of the design, God’s incredible design where His second most amazing gift came unfolding into a person He has prepared me for. A Man.

(to be continued)

This is hauntingly beautiful.

I think sometimes when we think we’re utterly alone,
we are infinitely not.

I’m not alone.
I’m not crazy.
I’m not weird.

(As much as I fit in that, category.)

I’m probably just, very me.
Fearfully, and wonderfully made.

Two steps forward. One step back.

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I’ve been extremely depressed lately, but at this emotional low, I’m learning something precious. There’s always something to take away because God is good, no matter what happens, God is still good and nothing bad happens without something good coming out of it.

He made us out of dirt, breathed in us and calls us very good, He calls us beautiful, and He loves us so much that He’ll send His Son, and Himself, to die for all the terrible mess we made; paid our debts and utterly saved us from death and destruction. He really did that.

Two steps forward, one step back. That was what Elfin said about my growth, which is also what my doctors says about my TSW healing journey.

So here’s to me, unlearning and learning again. I know, but I need to understand. I need to understand what it really means to have a relationship with God.

I guess it isn’t always a spiritual high, or 100% positivity, but experiencing every sort of emotion with God in mind. I guess it isn’t a 100% positivity, but a 100% surrender. That, probably, is rest.

I need to know You more, and, thank You for holding onto me, always.
I love You, God.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi


Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011), an amazing and inspiring documentary that got me thinking, re-evaluating on my own life again.

Just thinking about my life, I’ve already spotted some lies in my mind. Namely, wearing my sickness on as a robe but the truth is that, it is but a sickness that’ll pass away in due time. It might be an annoying hindrance but it’s definitely not a lord over my life. I’m reminding myself.

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Jiro’s silhouette of utter passion and perfectionism toward sushi unveiled how I’ve been extremely half-hearted and lukewarm, procrastinating, and dancing with lies and negativity. Well, I was still functioning, but that’s not enough.

I’m still learning to find a balance between utter dissatisfaction and complete acceptance, I tend to forget who I am in Him. There so much more to learn. More about dying to myself, more about love, more about what God’s doing.

Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. – Luke 9:23 (NKJV) 

Recently God showed me Luke 9:23, and so I’ve been learning about it, devouring it. Just thinking about what’s going on although ironically I really don’t know what’s going on, makes me a little excited again; remembering how life with God is an adventure.

I’m far from where I should be, but like Jiro when he was nine and had no home to return to, he had no choice but to move forward and press on if he needed to survive. Before he found passion in making sushi – before it even became his craft, that ordeal of being thrown into the cold, harsh world at such a tender age molded a character attribute that not only spearheaded Jiro’s dreams of sushi but maintained it. I’m encouraged that God has good plans for me, a hope and a future. After all, trials are always designed to make us stronger.

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Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
– Leonardo da Vinci

Jiro also mastered minimalism, as Leonardo da Vinci said it perfectly although it’s a little out of context, but it still applies.

So, I thought about just needing to do one thing. Just one thing. The most important thing, as of now and probably till my time on Earth is up.

Surrender.

And I just realised how Luke 9:23 is so apt right at this moment as I’m writing. So I’d deny myself, pick up my cross daily, and follow Him. Give this one life in exchange for His. One focus, the upward call. One vision, the bride. One day at a time. One person to love on.

So, is one going to make a difference? You’ll decide.

I also really want to have me some omakase sushi. 

Rest

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Lately, God has been teaching me about rest. On how rest is actually a weapon, how important rest is.

Come to think of it, rest isn’t something God has been teaching me lately, it’s been ongoing, and the rest that God provides, the kind that cannot be replaced with a million hours of sleep or mindless sit-coms.

What if trust without borders meant utter, complete rest in the knowledge of His goodness and His love? Just, flowing alongside with Him, above the waves, above the storms. This is, the reality of His love, His goodness, His grace and His mercy.

Resting in His love. I’m still learning that. His goodness, and this journey has been amazing.

It’s been an adventurous couple of days, my life literally enhanced after my experience with Kingdom Invasion.

Bottom line, I am so hungry for a revival.

Nothing in my life really matters, nothing really. Nothing, until it’s placed in my Daddy’s hands.

How I celebrated the New Year.

It was magical, not like the kind where we share a kiss on midnight with the one we’re madly in love with- but the kind where you feel a new adventure unfolding in your bone marrow.

Approaching the final hours of 31 December 2015, I was in the company of the best group of people in my life (other than my family), it is my royal family aka my cell group. We were having some time with God in the midst of our celebration and during that, I could almost hear Him whisper, “It is finished.”

I knew for a fact at that moment I wanted to turn to my sister to hug her as if the war we were fighting in was finally over, and that we could finally return to our homes. I opened my eyes and before I could, she grasped her arms around me. We were both in waterfalls, and at that moment, I knew we both understood the same reality. I wanted to reassure her but I was crying too badly to mouth a single word. We quickly straighten ourselves out because it was getting embarrassing as we were the only ones crying, and that terribly.

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It also just occurred to me that at the end of 2014, God showed me the word “Fruition” for 2015, and to end 2015 with God whispering “It’s over.” was such a nice touch.

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Some of us then went on for the fellowship after fellowship, which is also where another round of magic happens. Where we were all too tired to bother about small talks and where the heart is just vulnerable to whatever sort of comfort we would find in each other, with the presence of God watching us, comforting us.

Despite my skin condition, I found it comforting to my soul that I got to spend my first few hours having dim-sum with a great company, laughing over inside jokes, epic sarcasm and a few dash of cold ones with the all-nighters I know and love, this time with the new faces that tagged along. It felt as if the old group of FAFF (fellowship after fellowship fellowshippers) promoted. Yet we were still provided with the same comfort.

Missing our last ride home as not financially wealthy youths, we played peekaboo with the rain and shelters as we embarked on a journey to find the nearest, comfortable shelter aka luxurious hotel lobbies, for a rest stop and talked till the first transport starts again.

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I am so expectant for what God’s about to bring, and after all, our best days are only ahead of us. Thank You Jesus.

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