Run Daughter, Run

This is hauntingly beautiful.

I think sometimes when we think we’re utterly alone,
we are infinitely not.

I’m not alone.
I’m not crazy.
I’m not weird.

(As much as I fit in that, category.)

I’m probably just, very me.
Fearfully, and wonderfully made.

Two steps forward. One step back.

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I’ve been extremely depressed lately, but at this emotional low, I’m learning something precious. There’s always something to take away because God is good, no matter what happens, God is still good and nothing bad happens without something good coming out of it.

He made us out of dirt, breathed in us and calls us very good, He calls us beautiful, and He loves us so much that He’ll send His Son, and Himself, to die for all the terrible mess we made; paid our debts and utterly saved us from death and destruction. He really did that.

Two steps forward, one step back. That was what Elfin said about my growth, which is also what my doctors says about my TSW healing journey.

So here’s to me, unlearning and learning again. I know, but I need to understand. I need to understand what it really means to have a relationship with God.

I guess it isn’t always a spiritual high, or 100% positivity, but experiencing every sort of emotion with God in mind. I guess it isn’t a 100% positivity, but a 100% surrender. That, probably, is rest.

I need to know You more, and, thank You for holding onto me, always.
I love You, God.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi


Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011), an amazing and inspiring documentary that got me thinking, re-evaluating on my own life again.

Just thinking about my life, I’ve already spotted some lies in my mind. Namely, wearing my sickness on as a robe but the truth is that, it is but a sickness that’ll pass away in due time. It might be an annoying hindrance but it’s definitely not a lord over my life. I’m reminding myself.

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Jiro’s silhouette of utter passion and perfectionism toward sushi unveiled how I’ve been extremely half-hearted and lukewarm, procrastinating, and dancing with lies and negativity. Well, I was still functioning, but that’s not enough.

I’m still learning to find a balance between utter dissatisfaction and complete acceptance, I tend to forget who I am in Him. There so much more to learn. More about dying to myself, more about love, more about what God’s doing.

Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. – Luke 9:23 (NKJV) 

Recently God showed me Luke 9:23, and so I’ve been learning about it, devouring it. Just thinking about what’s going on although ironically I really don’t know what’s going on, makes me a little excited again; remembering how life with God is an adventure.

I’m far from where I should be, but like Jiro when he was nine and had no home to return to, he had no choice but to move forward and press on if he needed to survive. Before he found passion in making sushi – before it even became his craft, that ordeal of being thrown into the cold, harsh world at such a tender age molded a character attribute that not only spearheaded Jiro’s dreams of sushi but maintained it. I’m encouraged that God has good plans for me, a hope and a future. After all, trials are always designed to make us stronger.

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Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
– Leonardo da Vinci

Jiro also mastered minimalism, as Leonardo da Vinci said it perfectly although it’s a little out of context, but it still applies.

So, I thought about just needing to do one thing. Just one thing. The most important thing, as of now and probably till my time on Earth is up.

Surrender.

And I just realised how Luke 9:23 is so apt right at this moment as I’m writing. So I’d deny myself, pick up my cross daily, and follow Him. Give this one life in exchange for His. One focus, the upward call. One vision, the bride. One day at a time. One person to love on.

So, is one going to make a difference? You’ll decide.

I also really want to have me some omakase sushi. 

Rest

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Lately, God has been teaching me about rest. On how rest is actually a weapon, how important rest is.

Come to think of it, rest isn’t something God has been teaching me lately, it’s been ongoing, and the rest that God provides, the kind that cannot be replaced with a million hours of sleep or mindless sit-coms.

What if trust without borders meant utter, complete rest in the knowledge of His goodness and His love? Just, flowing alongside with Him, above the waves, above the storms. This is, the reality of His love, His goodness, His grace and His mercy.

Resting in His love. I’m still learning that. His goodness, and this journey has been amazing.

It’s been an adventurous couple of days, my life literally enhanced after my experience with Kingdom Invasion.

Bottom line, I am so hungry for a revival.

Nothing in my life really matters, nothing really. Nothing, until it’s placed in my Daddy’s hands.

How I celebrated the New Year.

It was magical, not like the kind where we share a kiss on midnight with the one we’re madly in love with- but the kind where you feel a new adventure unfolding in your bone marrow.

Approaching the final hours of 31 December 2015, I was in the company of the best group of people in my life (other than my family), it is my royal family aka my cell group. We were having some time with God in the midst of our celebration and during that, I could almost hear Him whisper, “It is finished.”

I knew for a fact at that moment I wanted to turn to my sister to hug her as if the war we were fighting in was finally over, and that we could finally return to our homes. I opened my eyes and before I could, she grasped her arms around me. We were both in waterfalls, and at that moment, I knew we both understood the same reality. I wanted to reassure her but I was crying too badly to mouth a single word. We quickly straighten ourselves out because it was getting embarrassing as we were the only ones crying, and that terribly.

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It also just occurred to me that at the end of 2014, God showed me the word “Fruition” for 2015, and to end 2015 with God whispering “It’s over.” was such a nice touch.

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Some of us then went on for the fellowship after fellowship, which is also where another round of magic happens. Where we were all too tired to bother about small talks and where the heart is just vulnerable to whatever sort of comfort we would find in each other, with the presence of God watching us, comforting us.

Despite my skin condition, I found it comforting to my soul that I got to spend my first few hours having dim-sum with a great company, laughing over inside jokes, epic sarcasm and a few dash of cold ones with the all-nighters I know and love, this time with the new faces that tagged along. It felt as if the old group of FAFF (fellowship after fellowship fellowshippers) promoted. Yet we were still provided with the same comfort.

Missing our last ride home as not financially wealthy youths, we played peekaboo with the rain and shelters as we embarked on a journey to find the nearest, comfortable shelter aka luxurious hotel lobbies, for a rest stop and talked till the first transport starts again.

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I am so expectant for what God’s about to bring, and after all, our best days are only ahead of us. Thank You Jesus.

2016. The Year of Victories.

As the year is coming to a close, I can’t help but thank God again for yet another year of adventure. We can agree that 2015 was a Part II of 2014; an upgraded version of better breaking and greater growth, finding stability in the midst of ups and downs.

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In 2016, I pray that it’ll finally be the year where we’d enjoy the scenery at the pinnacle of the mountains we’ve struggled to surmount, where we finally sail through the seemingly relentless storms, where we finally come forth as gold. I’m not saying that this is it, because in life there’s always going to be greater mountains to climb and random storms disturbing the the serene seas. Yet all in all, I pray, let the revelation of Christ remain so deeply ingrafted in us, that we may overcome all obstacles with the same tenacity Christ has demonstrated. (WHICH IS SO CRAZY)

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I just know that 2016 is going to be so different, and yet again, so amazing. For the first time, I really don’t know what I’m in for, and yet, I am so excited for what’s ahead. I just know and I know, that amazing adventures, signs and wonders awaits. I know that greater things are yet to come, and, I too, can’t wait for the Church to arise, His children to know who they are here on Earth, the immense power we yield by simply believing.

I thought about what to prep for 2016, and I’ve got nothing. I’ve moved from having a “New Year’s Resolution” to simply, “Life’s Purpose”. Upon knowing I am His daughter, that is more than prep. It is like, everything.

It is everything, and everything starts from here. It starts from know who we are, that in the midst of this infinite universe, we are a sort of miracle made to be loved by God and thereafter, what we are meant with this short period of time we have in our mortal bodies.

Aye 2016, I’m ready for you. (Refraining from saying “Come what may.” because 2015 was mad house.) Still, 2016, you’re going to be beautiful like me. Not even being proud.

In fact 2016, I’m going to have a deeper understanding of Christ, of being a Daughter, of His Kingdom and Righteousness, of the Beattitudes, of His Love and Mercy, His Grace and the Peace that surpasses all understandings. 2016, the year of victories.

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Thank You Jesus. Thank You Daddy. Thank You Holy Spirit. :’)

Merry Christmas

2015, as everyone had mentioned, is amongst one of the most eventful times of the year. I do realise how often I say that, my life has been a series of crazy events, yet all in all- it is beautiful; almost like a mess in an order. Wow, to think that I’ve such an amazing Father.

I thought through about 2015 as if it flew past me, so much had happened and for the first time, I actually thought to myself, on how much I’ve actually grown this year. It had been a year where so many of my imprisoning mindset had been broken, where I begin to actually realise my value as a woman with feminine strength, the power to nurture, to heal, to edify, and not just a feminist with anger issue. I learn that as woman, we are to embrace who we are- that our strength comes from exactly doing the things man cannot do, not doing the things they can. I’ve also learned that ego plays no part in growth, and in fact, ego is the very hindrance for growth and fulfilment.

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This year, I learned to let go of so many deeply rooted issues. I learned that when they came up, I’d be faced with two options to deal with them, to psychologically make sense of whatever that has happened for the reason for my current being- or I could let it flow, and give a hard memory to God. A lot of times, it isn’t simply letting go of things, it is mostly letting go of ourselves, a self that no longer serves its purpose, an old nature that reeks only of death. This means forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we’ve once gotten ourselves into, and forgiving the people who had once abused us.

I learned how over the years, my value had been dependent of the people around me, but that is not true, our incredibly high, precious value – that Jesus, the King of kings, would totally like fast from heaven and lay His life completely, unreservedly down to save us value – has always been there, until we realised that, that all we were created to be loved by God and we can be His children just by accepting that Jesus died for us. TheGospel iss really so simple. He loves us, and in fact, HE IS LOVE. Until we realise the reality of the Truth, Jesus, our value tends would be determined by the things we do, puffed with pride when what we have can be envied, or degraded when we don’t meet the “standards” – that is ever-changing. Right, I’m beginning to preach too much.

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Still, this year has been amazing. Nothing short of it. The friends I’ve made, the healing that took place from and after a “failed” relationship, and this year, instead of saying lessons learnt- as if life was an entire punishment, I’d say values gained.

Soli Deo Gloria. :’)

To my family,

You know well, it’s almost a daily affair in which I’d end up screaming and crying at home, and trust me, I’m doing my very best. Every single day is a mountain, like a trial that’s relentless in sticking around.

I am so sorry, for making you put up with me in this. You are amazing, and I couldn’t have asked for a better family, a better household. Oh yes, we are not perfect- at all, but I am just so thankful you know? To have all of you. Mum. Dad. Oswin.

I’m so sorry if I even make you feel helpless sometimes but know that you’re doing more than enough for me. I know that you guys are doing the best you know how.

Thank you for going through this with me. Above all, I thank God and I trust in Him, that He makes all things new, turning the bitter into sweet. All of this will merely seem like a lifetime ago. I pray that above all, that all of you will love God and know God more. I pray that we’ll be a family that’ll be a blessing to many others, a family that serves God together.

He has blessed us with so much, and gosh, look at how far we’ve come as a family. Through the recessions, my rebel teenage years, and now my sickness. Talk about life (if y’know what I mean).

I’ve always had trouble fitting into, us – but, I’m just thankful to have you guys around. I know you love me, and I love you guys too.

2.0 // Brave New World

And I had contemplated, merely awhile, on whether I should delete this blog despite this being a speck of dust in macrocosm of the Internet.

Then I thought not.

I thought, I can still write. Here. Well, maybe muse in Tumblr where the community is more fashioned for emotional vomits but this here, is to record my growth. There’s no purpose, well, partially, there is.

I remember why I created this blog in the first place, to catalog my growth – the lessons I learn in life itself. And if my articles can help just an individual, why not. And if no one reads this, it is still fine. I still enjoy doing this, except this time I’m doing this in my own pace, in my personal groove.

See, I was doing it in a way where I had to regurgitate my experiences into a textbook form, which is supposedly good, but I was beginning to hate on the process – it became an unnecessary burden. In the midst of that, I wasn’t being myself, caring too much about the nitty-gritty aspects of how the article should turn out; I was being too dissatisfied (out of perfectionism, which I find, is a form of distorted thinking).

I also had to redo the whole “branding” of this, because previously, it was about Mad Daughter giving out tips but right now, no. It’s just me, Zoe, who still enjoys the stage name/corporate identity/whatsoever, Mad Daughter, yet being more – raw. No longer editing and filtering her photos to put on Instagram, yes I’ve moved onto SnapChat in which I still have a few takes before I put anything up.

You can say the persona of Mad Daughter is maturing along with me. Me being more comfortable with myself, still learning that I am loved, that I am beautiful. Learning that my fear on the opinions of others are but me, shining a light in a wrong angle and thereafter treating the harmless shadow like a threat.

In the Bible it reads, “There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.” – and so I am still learning this. That I am made to be loved. We all are, and nothing in the world can ever satisfy that void.

Expecting the be loved by a parent, a lover, a friend – is only going to set us to be continually disappointed and hurt. Humans in a broken world infested with pain and deceit, everyone gets broken – no one is free from sufferings. Yet all in all, we are all, simply, made to be loved by the One who made us. Look up and look around, once we understand that (having a paradigm shift), we’d realise how we are loved, and over and over, in the entirety of this universe, standing on the top of the food chain, we are so, deeply, loved.

On a lighter note, I am excited for what God is preparing and about to do in this generation and the next.

Get ready, for a brave, new world.

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